i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
