The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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