My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
