three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
