Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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