the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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