Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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