there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
