Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
