Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
