We tried having a conversation with our noses.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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