I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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