Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
