he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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