he looks like a really good dad on facebook
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize