He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
