My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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