Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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