Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
