im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
