I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
