I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
