I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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