your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
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