Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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