Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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