im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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