Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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