my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
