there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
