Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
