I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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