i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
