Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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