She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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