the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
