I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
His nipple licking is glorious
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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