I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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