you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
We had sex on a dog bed..
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize