So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
