we have pet lesbian snakes
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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