My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
