dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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