you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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