My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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