It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
