we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
