On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
His hands were made for my vagina.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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