I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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