If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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