Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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