I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Success! We fucked roommates!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize