the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
