I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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