Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
