Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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