Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
