textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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