nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize